13 May Lockdown Lethargy: Making Peace with My Cage

As a Virgo, A-type personality, I never anticipated lockdown lethargy. Despite the circumstances, I was admittedly a little excited about the total isolation of lockdown. What could be better than time to hone all of my desired skills? There was no shortage of online courses being offered. Like New Year’s resolutions, people proudly declared the goals they wanted to achieve during their unlimited time at home. From learning French, to portrait drawing, to online finance classes, I was positive that I would emerge the brilliant human I always wanted to be. 

Except it kinda didn’t work out like that. My humanness got in the way. It turns out that I’m not Neo. This might be a Matrix, but it’s not one where I have the capacity to download endless amounts of information and skills, especially while processing huge emotional shifts.

After 35 days of lockdown, the government finally decided to allot us a timeframe during which to exercise outside. The night before our first 6-9am yard time commenced, I tossed and turned with the worst insomnia I’d experienced in a while. When my alarm went off to rise and run, I hit snooze several times. Eventually, I finally peeled open my eyelids. I was still well within the designated time for outdoor exercise. My brain was fuzzy and my limbs were heavy. I boiled the kettle for coffee and peered outside to see that the normally sedate neighborhood was buzzing.

A tiger in Captivity

Then, I did something I’m ashamed of. I made my coffee and I got back into bed. I consciously decided not to go out. I felt so disgusted with myself that I had to tell someone about my failure to seize my freedom. I emailed my close friend in America, “Help. I am the tiger in captivity who remained in her cage after the door was opened. I have never truly known what depression feels like until this moment.”

Simultaneously hitting Send, choking back tears, and drinking coffee, I took stock of all I had achieved during 35 days of lockdown and felt a surge of disappointment and shame wash over me. In just over a month, I had only painted two mediocre paintings, completed one online course, read one novel, and embarked on a myriad of other random worthless tasks. What was I doing with all of this time? Sleeping. I was definitely sleeping much more than usual. Spacing out to meditative music and, embarrassingly, binging on astrology YouTube (caution: it’s addictive!). I was plotting my epic new business in my head, yet failing to progress much on the action steps. I was perfunctorily doing my freelance work. What was wrong with me? As a freelancer, working from home is standard procedure. I’m generally good at self-motivation, structure, and time management. Facing the reality of being a failing over-achiever, I was sincerely bleak. Unimpressed with my emotional breakdown, I set some tasks for myself, pulled myself out of the lethargy, and eventually shifted into more productive gears.

Accepting My Humanness

The next morning I did rise and go for a run. It felt as liberating as expected. However, I still intrigued myself with my failure to launch the previous day. When my friend replied, she wrote: 

This is HARD. And pushing ALL of the ‘buttons’ for ALL of us. So it’s okay if you couldn’t get out of bed when they opened the cage. I have heard this being echoed by many. There is a prevailing sense of lethargy that we are ALL experiencing. It’s the tamas that is inherent in being forced to STAY still. And then we add on our own pressure by telling ourselves we ought to be productive with our ‘extra gifted’ time, yet there’s a voice that whispers ‘yeah, but what’s the point?’, so we sink a little more into the lethargy but sprinkle it with shame for good measure. YOU are not alone in this. I am hearing it echoed in the lamentations of many.

I sighed a breath of relief. I am not alone in this. As a yoga teacher, my friend often sees patterns of the collective reflected throughout her student body. Her words were a reminder that the best remedy for occasional despair is sharing our humanity with others. Chances are we are not alone in whatever we are experiencing. Viewing ourselves as uniquely suffering is what creates the sense of separateness that perpetuates the misery of feeling alone. Connection is what heals it. Sharing the human condition is what provides comfort. Lockdown lethargy is not a reflection of my worth or ambition but rather a very human response to social isolation and extraordinary circumstances.

Dealing with the Lethargy

In light of identifying what a slippery slope unlimited alone time can turn into, I’ve re-calibrated so that I have a more realistic set of goals. I’m not scattering my energy across a hundred pursuits anymore. I am also not beating myself up for taking a more subdued approach to each day, especially as winter approaches in Cape Town. It is a natural time to hibernate and reflect.

Compromising with Myself

I’ve decided not to hate myself if I wake up and I don’t feel like jogging in cool, dark weather wearing a suffocating mask. (Because you’d better wear that mask if you don’t want to be reprimanded by the curmudgeonous neighbor!) I’m letting myself be okay with choosing the duvet so long as I do a workout at some point during the day.

Lethargy vs. a Change of Pace

Maybe ‘lethargy’ can simply be re-framed as an overall slower pace of life. There is value in having time for integration. For me, many personal lessons (read COVID-19: Waylaid in South Africa) are truly taking hold now that I’ve slowed down enough to properly absorb and process them.

Delineating Days

I am typically decent at structuring my days. However, I realized that my repetitive routine was making things too much like Groundhog Day. Now, I remain aware of the tasks that I must complete in a day, but I allow myself that flexibility to do them in an order that resonates with my energy levels and moods. I am experiencing a much better sense of flow. I also have certain tasks that I do during the week and others that I save for the weekend so as to punctuate what otherwise has the potential to become a continuum.

Also published on Medium.